Becky's Learning Rampage

Buried in the book The Art of Happiness is a surprisingly relevant paragraph that relates heavily to the previous blog post on Minimizing "I".  Check it out (p. 59):

 "The tendency to closely bond with others, acting for the welfare of others as well as oneself, may be deeply rooted in human nature, forged in the remote past as those who bonded together and became part of a group had an increased chance of survival.  This need to form close social ties persists up to the present day.  In studies, such as one conducted by Dr. Larry Scherwitz, examining risk factors for coronary heart disease, it has been found that the people who were most self-focused (those who referred to themselves using the pronouns "I', "me", and "my" most often in an interview) were more likely to develop coronary heart disease, even when other health-threatening behaviors were controlled.  Scientists are discovering that those who lack close social ties seem to suffer from poor health, higher levels of unhappiness, and a greater vulnerability to stress."

Quite an alarming parallel, but what is most surprising, though, is the underlying paradox.  By *not* focusing on own selves, at the end of the day, perhaps this is of the most benefit to each of us individually.

More fun things to think about on this lovely Sunday evening. :-)

Tags: happiness, psychology

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How to Win Friends and Influence People is one of the most influential books of the 20th century and has rightfully earned its position as one of the all-time international best-sellers.  Written in 1936, Dale Carnegie's words of wisdom for motivating, inspiring, and persuading people are as effective today as they were over 80 years ago.  How much the world has changed... and yet how much it has not.

For those who haven't read it yet, Carnegie open his book with the six ways to make people like you, of which Principle 1 is to "Become Genuinely Interested In Other People".  The obvious point of this principle is that people in general are not interested in you.  Nor are they interested in me.  They are interested in themselves.  In fact, Carnegie argues that you can make more friends in 2 months by being interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.

What's most fascinating about this section of the book is this one simple paragraph:

'The New York Telephone Company made a detailed study of telephone conversations to find out which word is the most frequently used.  You have guessed it:  it is the person pronoun "I".  "I".  "I".  "I".  It was used 3,900 times in 500 telephone conversations.  "I".  "I".  "I".'

Why is this silly piece of statistical triva so darn fascinating? Because it shows an interesting link between the usage of the word "I" and how focused we are on ourselves rather than others.  The more we say "I", the more we are likely to be talking about ourselves.

Now consider this: if we flip this link around, perhaps minimizing our use of the word "I" (and "me" and "my") will minimize how much we think and talk about ourselves, and in return, force us to focus more on other people.  If we are not allowed to use the word "I", then it makes it nearly impossible to talk about ourselves.  Try it out.... difficult, isn't it??

So perhaps the simplest remedy to this universal problem of focusing too much on our own selves is to simply reduce our usage of the word "I".  Hmmmm... will this work?  You be the judge.  Take a look at this blog entry and see how many times you saw the word "I" (or "me" or "my") being used as a direct reference to me, Becky.  Only twice: in the sentence, "Nor are they interested in me" and in the preceding sentence.  Otherwise, the usage of the word "I" was completely avoided.  What do you think?  Interesting, isn't it?

Tags: communication

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"Against the grain should be a way of life
What's worth the price is always worth the fight
Every second counts 'cause there's no second try
So live like you're never living twice..."
--Nickelback, "If Today Was Your Last Day"

Times are exciting right now.  To think back just 6 months, the thought of really pursuing a life in the area of psychology was a dream that was just starting to take form.  But now, not only have I completed 14 psychology credit hours this summer at UNT with flying colors, I also get my first real world taste into the psychology field. 

Just 2 weeks ago, I got accepted as a part-time research assistant (~10 hrs/week) at the Family Attachment Lab (FAL) in Denton.  Needless to say, I was just thrilled... largely because it is quite difficult to get a foot in the door there.  One of my professors told me, "If you're interested in applying for the Family Attachment Lab, you're really going to have to sell yourself.  Don't get your hopes up."  I took his advice to heart and, combined with a little luck and a lot of persistence, I was accepted.

The Family Attachment Lab (FAL) runs a variety of studies that explore family dynamics and, in particular, parent-child and marital attachment theories.  Currently, we are conducting a study called the Family & Kid Connection study.  The three-fold purpose of this study is to:

1. explore interrelationships among family systems and attachment constructs,
2. extend the literature by investigating the psychological well-being of 8- to 11-year old children in relation to multiple systemic levels of the family unit, and
3. compare findings using multiple informants (mother, father, child) and/or different measurement approaches (self-report vs. interview vs. observational data).

It feels so exciting to dip my toes into this new pool!  And what's even more exciting: I can't even begin to imagine where my life will be 6 months from now.  What I will learn and where my life will be headed next will be a fun thing to see...

Tags: psychology

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"...We are like drawfs on the shoulders of giants,
so that we can see more than they, and things at a greater distance,
not by virtue of any sharpness on sight on our part,
or any physical distinction,
but because we are carried high and raised up by their giant size."
-- John of Salisbury, 1159A.D.

Iain Abernethy released a brand new podcast today regarding karate styles and whether or not the idea of a "style" helps or hurts the effectiveness and evolution of the martial arts.  Click here to see his blog post and to listen to the podcast:  http://blog.iainabernethy.com/?p=261.

During his podcast, Iain discusses the idea of Shu Ha Ri (pronounced: shoe-hah-ree).  Shu Ha Ri is represented by 3 characters (see below), with each character symbolizing a stage of practice/learning:

• The first symbol is Shu, which means to defend or obey.  In this stage you are mainly learning from copying.
• The second symbol is Ha, which means to diverge or break away.  In this stage, you are mainly learning from experimenting.
• The third symbol is Ri, which means to leave or go away.  In this final stage, you are learning by creating.

As we begin learning anything in life, we always start out at Shu (copying).   This is true whether we are learning a martial art, how to drive a car, cooking a gourmet meal, or studying a new area of interest (like psychology or physics).  Our goal in this phase is to faithfully copy our instructor(s) and to gain a good understanding of their discoveries.  The glory of this stage is that we don't have to start from scratch each time we want to learn something new... we can leverage the experiences of those before us and work diligently to obey and copy these fundamentals in order to develop a strong and lasting foundation in ourselves.

Ha (experimenting) is when you begin to detach and partially break free from the traditions in Shu.  Ultimately, this is the time when you must study the meaning/purpose of everything that you have learned and find a deeper understanding of your "art".  This requires experimentation, reasoning, and the development of your own understanding and experiences.

The final stage is Ri (creating).  In this stage, you transcend beyond all your earlier learnings, and your art transforms into your own creation.  You move from being a student to becoming a true practitioner - someone who thinks originally, develops new thoughts/theories from all background experiences, and tests those new ways of thinking against the reality of all background knowledge.

In my opinion, there are 2 great challenges that we face when it comes to Shu Ha Ri.  The first challenge, as Iain explicitly points out in his podcast, is when we get stuck in the Shu stage and never progress into the other 2 stages.  In other words, instead of progressing through the process of Shu Ha Ri (copy, detach, transcend), we wind up in the...

Tags: learning, martial arts

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Communication can sometimes be a difficult thing.  But it can be downright impossible if the topic of conversation is highly sensitive or if the person you are trying to communicate with is being resistant to your communication attempts.  Is there anything you can do to improve this situation?

There is a very small and subtle communication technique called limited choices that may help in these cases.  Here's an example to help explain how this works: let's say you want to discuss a sensitive issue with your significant other.  Typically, you would say something to him/her like this:

"I've noticed that we've been having a lot of trouble with _____ lately. Could we discuss it?" 

You can fill in the blank above with whatever the sensitive topic is, like: "money" or "arguing a lot" or "physical intimacy".  The trouble with the approach above is that a "no" answer from your significant other is not really an acceptable answer since you definitely want to discuss the problem.  Yet the question above is set up in such a way that a "no" answer is very possible.

To use the technique of limited choices, you could say the following instead:

"I've noticed that we've been having a lot of trouble with _____ lately.  Would you like to discuss it now, or would you rather wait until tomorrow evening after dinner?"

Now, either answer your significant other gives will be acceptable to you.  You have offered  a set of acceptable limited choices.  Notice this does two additional things: (1) it allows the other person to have the power to choose, thus allowing them to have some control in the matter, and (2) you are showing consideration to your significant other by recognizing that he/she might not be in the mood for a discussion right now and would rather wait.

This seems so small and trivial, doesn't it?  In fact, you might be wondering why I'm bothering to even write about something so seemingly insignificant.  But I truly believe that the most effective communicators in the world are most effective NOT because of some grandiose thing that they do, but because of a collection of small subtleties like this that allow them to be so effective.  And sometimes it only takes 1 or 2 successful subtleties to really differentiate between a good and a great communicator.  Using limited choices can certainly be something easy that we can all add to our 'communication arsenals' that can help raise our level of effectiveness with others.

P.S.  The use of limited choices is also incredibly effective with kids.  When I had all 4 of my nieces and nephews over for a sleepover this weekend, I didn't say, "Would you go and brush your teeth?", knowing that they typically despise brushing their teeth.  Instead, I said, "Would you like to brush your teeth before or after the movie?"  They chose before the movie and did it without any objections.  :)

Tags: communication

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As you can probably tell, life has gotten *enormously* busy lately.  Between figuring out how to install crown molding in my house (I finally mastered those rounded corners!), powering through various home projects, and kick-starting my psyc courses, I am not around my computer as much anymore, and therefore, not able to blog as frequently.

Check back in a few weeks, as I hope to be able to include some fun learnings from my classes - especially my Psychology and Human Sexuality class.  It goes without saying that that is a fun class!

Thanks for your patience!

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While perusing the Plano library last week, I stumbled upon a nice little gem, tucked away in the audio/video section.  It was a 12-part lecture DVD set entitled Psychology of Human Behavior from The Great Courses series.  And given that I have been sick this last week, it gave me a great excuse… uh, I mean reason… to sit down for an entire day to just kick back, watch, and absorb it all.

Here’s a fun little tidbit from Lecture #2.  Dr. David W. Martin from North Carolina State University was discussing psychological experimentation, and he mentioned a very interesting experiment that he conducted with one of his classes.  He wanted to see how his lecture pace impacted his students’ focus/attentiveness in class.  

The basic gist of his experiment is that he would change his rate of speech to be low, medium, or high, with a designated number of syllables per minute for each level.  Then, in order to measure the student’s attentiveness, he would measure the ambient noise level in the class room (subtracting out the noise he produced, of course) at each of his speech rates. The idea here is that, if the students are more attentive, then there would be less ambient noise (rustling papers, talking to fellow students, moving around) in the class room.

What Dr. Martin found was that, if you graphed the ambient noise level as a function of low/medium/high speech rate, you found a V-shaped function.  This says that the students are more attentive when he was speaking at medium pace; if he spoke at too low a pace or at too high a pace, they would make more noise and, thus, be less attentive.  So, in essence, there was a sweet-spot of effectiveness in his rate of speech for his lectures.

Granted, this is only one study, but I was intrigued enough with this general idea that I thought it would be fun to put this to the test in my own life.  I was scheduled to give my next Toastmasters speech on Wednesday of this last week – a perfect opportunity to tinker around with this.  It was a Storytelling speech, so rate of speech is very important to the impactfulness of the story.  Given that I normally speak at an energetic, fairly high pace, I cut my rate of speech down to about 60-70% my normal rate for this speech.  This dropped my rate of speech from a high pace to a medium pace.

Here were the results:  Not only did I notice a difference in the audience’s attentiveness while I was delivering the speech, but 3 people commented to me after my speech specifically about my very effective rate of speech.  Pretty cool, if you ask me.  I obviously moved closer to that sweet-spot in my rate of speech – at least for public storytelling. 

This is something I definitely plan on continuing to monitor and adjust – both in and out of Toastmasters.  Hopefully, I can eventually...

Tags: public speaking

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When we hear the word "facilitator", we commonly think of that person in a meeting or group setting who assists the group in determining their common objectives and works with the group to achieve them, without taking a particular position in the discussion.  But it has another, and perhaps a far more interesting, meaning...

In the book Life Skills: Improve the Quality of Your Life Using Metapsychology, the author mentions that the content is based on the concepts and principles of Frank A. Gerbode's "Applied Metapsychology".  Here's a snippet from the book that I found very interesting (p. 2):

"When making use of Applied Metapsychology in the one-on-one sessions, we call our practitioners 'facilitators', rather than counselors or therapists, so as to emphasize the idea that the practitioner's job is to bring about the safe time and space of the session for the client to do the important work of that session.  The facilitator provides the structure and guidance to allow the client ("viewer") to see things as they come, which turns out to be the most effective way to get the job done.  We can't get inside another person's mind.  We can only ask him/her to look and tell us what s/he sees.  Things shift and change for the viewer during the process of viewing."

In this context of Applied Metapsychology, the facilitator's job is simply to create a completely non-judgmental, accepting, and warm atmosphere for the "viewer".  Facilitators primarily do this by: (1) asking questions, (2) listening attentively, (3) acknowledging and understanding the answer, and (4) refraining from comment, judgment, or interpretation.

Part 4 is definitely the hardest!  How easy would it be to quickly interpret or judge, or even jump in with a comment or suggestion when someone is talking??

So why am I writing about this new definition of a facilitator?  Because I think it plays a powerful role when it comes to our closest relationships/friendships.  There will always be times in our lives (and in the lives of our friends and family members) when we all need a facilitator.  Someone to just listen non-judgmentally and who creates an environment of warmth and acceptance.  Someone who listens so attentively and truly seeks to understand what we are saying - all while casting no judgment or comment.

When I think of the people closest to me in my life, I quickly realize that we have both (at one time or another) been facilitators for each other.  Perhaps it was because we had a close relationship that we could be so non-judgmental with each other and just listen and be supportive.  Or perhaps being facilitators for each other is what caused us to develop a close friendship/relationship in the first place. 

Or perhaps... it is both...  :-)

Tags: psychology

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One final blog entry with regards to Chuck Norris's book: The Secret of Inner Strength....

After reading this book, it becomes very clear to the reader that Chuck's progress in life and rise to fame is primarily due to one significant trait.  He admits freely that he's not the smartest, not the most business savvy, and not even the best martial artist.  But his key to success is his unwavering sense of discipline.

Chuck utilized a concept called the discipline chain.  The idea behind the discipline chain is that, as long as you continue to repeat a good habit, that good habit will always remain with you.  But if you "break the chain" and skip a good habit even just once, it makes it that much easier to skip it again in the future, thus potentially causing you to lose your good habit altogether.  For more on that, here's Chuck (p.180):

"There are many mornings when I don't feel like working out.  But I know if I take off one day, it will be easier to take the next day off, and eventually I'll stop working out.  So I tell myself that maybe the workout won't be as hard today as it was yesterday or as it will be tomorrow, but that I must do something so I don't break the chain of discipline."

An outstanding concept (thanks, Chuck!), and one that is applicable to each of our lives.  Remember that the end of a good habit starts with skipping it just once.  But if you keep your discipline strong and never allow a skip to happen, then your good habit will remain with you permanently.

Tags: motivation

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Don’t let your quest for the future overshadow your enjoyment of today. 

This was one of the key messages in Eckhart Tolle's new book The Power of Now.  On more than one occasion, different people have recommended this book to me.... and I have finally had a chance to read it last week.

We are all so busy with planning for the future.  And, in general, this is good.  Without thinking ahead and knowing what you want, it is impossible to ever achieve anything great in your life.  But when it comes to planning for the future, Tolle rightly asks, “Is your goal taking up so much of your attention that you reduce the present moment to a means to an end?  Is it taking the joy out of doing?” 

Both of these are eye-opening questions.  Planning for the future is a wonderful thing, but if you are so focused on the future that your mind is never in the present moment enjoying what you are doing, then that becomes an issue.  You have swung the pendulum too far, favoring the future too much over the present.

Life is filled with both journeys and destinations.... be sure to equally enjoy both.

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